I have not posted anything on this blog for more than a year.
I want to use this space to write down how I have been feeling and how I want to move forward (even if I am the only one to read this... just something for me to look back on)
There is a whole list of things of what I want to do and how I want to be. A few of these would be:
- Be more active on Social Media
- Upload more videos to YouTube now matter how stupid they are
- Make a difference for people with scoliosis
- Be more involved with friends and family
- Go out and do more things with my days
- Eat right and loose weight
...And most important of all, BE HAPPY
However, my problem is that I have this list of things that I want to achieve in my life to be a better person but I have never done anything about it.
I haven been spending the past year being sad and upset with myself that I have never changed a single thing to try and make it better.
I went to work, came home watched TV and went to bed, never seen my family, canceling plans with friends, I mean it got to a point where I wasn't even showing George how much I loved him. That hurt me the most.
Yes, nothing was wrong with my life, I have a great life.
I tried things to change my thought process. I started salsa dancing and I have been making lists of things I want to do.
This all worked for a while but not for long. I started to fall back into the rut again, to be honest I have no idea why. It just seemed like my mind just kept slipping into the old cycle again.
It hit me really hard one morning when I woke up after a dream (It is going to sound so stupid but it really affected me)
One night I had a dream. In the dream I was at a party in an apartment in New York with people who were my friends, but I didn't know them in real life (dreams are complicated)
Anyway, the party was over and I went to get changed. I was in the wardrobe (which was like a whole room by itself) and I looked in the mirror. Now I know that you should never do this in a dream but i don't know how to control my dreams.
When I looked at myself in the mirror I saw what I want myself to look like. Free of pimples and blemishes, flat stomach, healthy hair, everything I wanted.
I woke up feeling defeated. I had to get changed for work and when I looked at myself in the mirror I hated what my reflection showed. I became so upset that I didn't want to speak to anyone.
I have always had a problem with my confidence and with how I looked but this was a whole new level. It got to a point when I felt so bad in myself that when I ate something unhealthy I threw up.
I wouldn't say that I was bulimic, I wouldn't go that far. I didn't want to be sick, it just seemed like my mind was forcing it to happen.
I finally broke and told George what was happening and he was amazing. We started eating more healthy and I even started the gym. I started to feel better again and feel like I was doing something right with myself... until it all went down hill again.
I don't know what happened, I just got in my head again. I stopped going to the gym and I stopped going to salsa. I started eating unhealthy again (not as bad as I was) but still enough for me to feel guilty and start to throw up again.
To be fair, I don't know if the nausea was because i was in my head again or if it was because I have now got the flu and that was working on me, but I have came to a realization.
My family have just suffered a tragic loss and it has struck me in a way that i didn't expect.
George and I were driving to look at new sofas for the house and I was thinking about what had happened. All that I could say to myself was 'Niamh, what are you actually doing?'
I realized in that moment that I had no reason to be sad. I have people who love me and I have a good life and I have been spending the past year being sad and feeling sorry for myself because I have a list of things that I want to achieve but haven't been able to do anything about it?
Now tell me how stupid does that sound? Like how ridiculous am I?
There are people out there with nothing and I am getting on as if my world is falling apart when it is not in the slightest.
I am just about to write a list of everything I want to achieve and make a plan for each of them. That way I will be able to have a plan in place to achieve my goals instead of just repeating that list over and over again with nothing to do about it.
If you have made it to the end thanks for reading about my stupid problems that don't have any meaning.
Please stay strong even if I couldn't. There is always hope and life is way too short.
Thanks again,
Niamh xxx
